because of some crappy fine on some book i know i turned in, but the library can't find. *sigh* i hate my life. reading is the only coping mechanism i have right now that won't scar me or make me fat.
i love it when i meet real live people who are thinspiration. or reverse thinspiration, as it is called (which is actually more helpful to me but wahtever) it's great. i don't feel like eating now at all.
i have a major headache. a sinus headache. i tried to take something for it but it wouldn't all go down.
i've eaten too much today, or at least plenty, but i'm still shaky.
and i have to eat tonight because of my emt class, or i won't be able to concentrate. so, i don't want to eat but i know i have to. that is where i stand right now.
why couldn't i have felt like not eating for a year last night when i ate all that popcorn?
and my treadmill hasn't been working properly.
its cold and drizzly and miserable out. just like i feel.
fuck. i couldn't resist the apple pie calling my name even though nobody cared if ate it. bloody god fuck.
intake today: 1, 115.
this is why i have yet to reach my first goal weight.
this is also why i haven't gotten over this stupid cold yet.
i want to go into marquette tomorrow
but it's sabbath
my parents will wonder....
weather was nasty today
is going to be just as nasty tomorrow.
yesterday i meant to keep it between 800-900 calories. but then, instead of eating what i'd planned i would eat, i ran out of time before class and had to throw together a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich that cost me 365 cals!!!!! so yesterdays total intake: 1,110. yuck. i have NO self control.
my goal today is the same as yesterday and it will continue to be until i get it right.
i had 575 calories for breakfast
no idea what i had for lunch. i made split pea soup because i'm sick, and i like it best when i make it myself. i only had a small bowl of it though, so i can't imagine i had more than 160 calories. i think thats usually what soups are, anyway. at most it would've been 200.
whew, so far thats pretty good then, i guess. because mom made extra effort to find a pie i could eat (food allergies) and so i am going to be expected to have at least one slice. (and that is ALL i'm eating as i should not have much sugar if i'm sick)
still, who knows how many calories are in one slice? granted i probably eat smaller slices than most people, so its probably not really that much, but still!
mentally and physically. from the openhouses, from eating and not eating, from loving and being loved, from being back at glaa after all this time...
i should have visited my friends more often. i think it actually would've been less painful than never visiting glaa again. at least then their lives would've included me more.
well, i'll see Andrew Crane at camp au sable. i'll see Ducky around cedar Lake, but Dave is going all the way out to Utah. i didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. i'll email him and stuff, but he doesn't....yeah.
i bought a treadmill. this should make me happy but i'm just so drained.... i cried most of the way back home.
i want to do something, but i'm afraid that people will laugh, and i'm afraid the opportunity won't be avaliable. so i won't post what it is here. i will however, let you know that it is NOT destructive.
b-1 slice of bread
l-hash (285) some mooched grapes, pretzels, and carrots (but not a whole lot) and some of erin's trail mix.
excercise: a 12 mile hike with erin. :)
as if that wasn't enough, there's erin: that girl IS thinspiration: tall, thin, bony and beautiful. yesterday was a great day.
and then there is toay. i ate a donut. it probably had eggs and milk in it too but i wouldn't know it. i should not have eaten that. A)sugar B) calories C) ALLERGIES!!!!!!!
and then i had a huge lunch. well, at least i'm skipping supper. it's too cold to go run/walk, so i'm limited to indoor exercises with no equipment.
i weighed myself on friday. found out i gained 10 pounds in ten days. i am officially fat, and disgusting.
I'VE GOT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!
could people chew their gum louder? I can't always hear it.
and oh, if your going to "remove temptation" by eating stuff i can't, and i go away for the weekend, the proper time to eat it is
A) when i'm gone
B) when i get back.
the correct answer, in case you can't tell, is A. honestly, sometimes people are just stupid.
if that *** eats something i like that i can't have in front of me i'm going to screw this fuckin diet and eat!
I FEEL HORRIBLE!
sore throat runny nose. stupid me, eating too much sugar, staying up too late. well, the latter isn't really totally my fault becausei have not been able to sleep lately.
last night was new years for me. we stayed up till midnight and i made pasties. pah-stees. NOT pay-stees. pasties are yooper food. in michigan's upper peninsula the miners used to have their wives make them pasties to take to work wtih them because they were convenient. granted they were made of fried lard instead of the doughy crust we now make them with, but, being a vegetarian i see that as less of a problem.
and not to insult anyone who likes salmon, but, i think it stinks. my dad is having it for breakfast and the stench is permeating the ENTIRE HOUSE. i am shut up in my room, and have lit candles i bought for myself. hopefully it will soon smel like the aroma of baking cookies.
not that i'll be able to smell it. can't smell much of anything. except the salmon. oh well.
I want to be a Vampire. I know, i've been reading too much Stephanie Meyer books. *sigh* but i want ot be beautiful, cold. glitter in the sun. to have sharp teeth.
to be invincible. to be immortal.
to drink blood
to seek revenge
to live forever
to be swift
to have a gift
see the future
calm people down.
I want o be a Vampire. i want to be the Elite.
Or maybe....just maybe.... i'd be a werewolf instead.
I think I am being avoidilated.
and i'm home. alone. /story of life.
just once, i want to go dancing. i want a hot guy to ask me out and teach me how to dance. i will wear a pretty dress and do my hair. i will wear a hint of makeup and some jewelry. I will be beautiful. i will be the kind of girl he would be proud to go out with. i woudln't swear all night. i wouldn't bug him to death with religion. i would smile, laugh, and have a good time. i would wear makeup over my scars and wear something short. he would bring me flowers and possibly (depending on his budget) chocolates. and/or a stuffed animal.
ha. as if. i'm so uncoordinated when it comes to dancing.
i don't know HOW to do my hair.
and the fancy dresses i have are in the UP. i guess i could wear one of the dresses JAcq gave me. that would work. they are very pretty. and i brought them with me. but i'd want to wear something NEW. something from deb's possibly. something glittery.
i'd want to look so pretty that my guy would be the envy of all his guyfriends.
he would drive me home by ten. he'd walk me to the door. we'd kiss.
um, scratch that, we would kiss at the stop sign before turning onto grandma's road. the stop sign is in a remote part of the country. we'd turn the headlights off for privacy. i woudln't want grandma to see him kissing me.
he'd put his arms around me and tell me he loved me and and and and and....
um, wait a second: HOW did i get from wishing my sisters would love me to wanting to actually have one of these weird things called BOYFRIENDS? what the hell is WRONG with me? am i so desperate to be told that i'm pretty and loved taht if some guy gave me the chance to hear that i'd give him whatever he wanted?
i am PATHETIC.
ugh. time for bed.